Hello Oregon State University students, faculty and staff. My name is Dr. Kathy Greaves, although many returners and thousands of graduates know me as “Dr. Sex.”
I earned the nickname by teaching the human sexuality course at OSU for the past 18 years. I’ve been on hiatus from writing this column for about a year and a half, but I’m back.
This column is designed to be a sex and relationship advice column, so start thinking about questions.
I am a senior instructor and faculty member in Human Development and Family Sciences (HDFS), which is in the College of Public Health and Human Sciences. In addition to teaching HDFS courses and writing this column, I host sexuality and relationship Q&A sessions in the residence halls and the co-ops, in sororities and fraternities, in the cultural centers and for community groups.
Since new readers may not be familiar with my sexual philosophy, I thought I would give you a general overview of what I think sex is. Remember, my philosophy comes from 21 years of education and practice (no I don’t mean having sex, I mean teaching about it) in the field of sexology. Yes, it really is an academic discipline.
In order to explain what sex is, it’s necessary to explain what sex is not limited to. Sex is not limited to penile-vaginal intercourse, although that is the standard and the act to which all other sexual activities are measured or compared.
For example, when we use euphemisms like “having sex,” “sleeping together,” “doing it,” “getting laid,” “getting some action,” “hanging out — ‘wink, wink,’” “tapping that”, etc., what we normally think of is penile-vaginal intercourse.
The term “foreplay” is used to describe fellatio, cunnilingus and genital touching. The mere existence of the term suggests that this “foreplay” stuff is not really necessary — that it comes before the “real sex” begins. Yet for most women, this “foreplay” stuff is what usually brings them to orgasm. This approach feeds right into the idea that penile-vaginal intercourse is what “completes” the performance and everything else is just leading up to that main event.
Additionally, we operate under a socially imposed, standard definition of a sexual partner. This standard is a good-looking, young, physically fit, able-bodied heterosexual. Yet there are millions of sexually active individuals who are average looking, older than 40, out of shape, physically challenged, non-heterosexual or all of the above.
Saying that “sex” is penile-vaginal intercourse and all other sexual acts are not the “real thing” discounts or overlooks what “sex” means to many of those individuals who do not fit the standard definition.
Lesbians, as you can imagine, don’t participate in penile-vaginal intercourse. So if “sex” is just that, do sexually active lesbians never really have sex?
Imagine an elderly couple where one partner has chronic arthritis to the point where it is physically painful to have intercourse. So, instead they participate in kissing, hugging, massaging, manual genital stimulation, mutual masturbation and oral sex (yes, elderly people participate in these activities).
In both of these examples, sexual partners reach orgasm regularly, yet they are not participating in penile-vaginal intercourse. If we view sex only as penile-vaginal intercourse, that suggests that the sexual experiences of these individuals are somehow less real, less important or less sexually satisfying. Equally, it’s limited thinking to assume that “real sex” is only achieved when one or both partners reaches orgasm.
Another misconception is that oral sex isn’t sex. If it isn’t sex then the word “sex” wouldn’t be there.
It’s not oral dominoes, it’s oral sex.
If you’ve participated in oral sex, either giving or receiving, you are sexually active. The fact that you can contract a number of sexually transmitted diseases via oral sex ought to tell you that it’s sex. They aren’t domino transmitted diseases.
So, essentially, sex is anything you want it to be. If it arouses you, it’s sexual activity. Everybody is a sexual being, from birth (even in utero) to death, and maybe even beyond that point. So I encourage you to apply the very old OSU motto — Open Minds, Open Doors — to sex.
Think more broadly about what sex is and who may be having it. To deny someone those feelings or a venue through which to express them simply because they select activities that deviate from the norm or the standard idea of what sex is and who can have it, well that’s quite judgmental.
This column will run every Wednesday. If you have questions for me to answer, please send them to forum@dailybarometer.com.
Dr. Kathy Greaves is a senior instructor and faculty member in human development and family sciences. In addition to teaching HDFS courses and writing this column, Greaves hosts sexuality and relationship Q&A sessions in the residence halls and the co-ops, in sororities and fraternities, in the cultural centers and for community groups. The opinions expressed in Greaves’ columns do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Barometer staff. Greaves can be reached at forum@dailybarometer.com.
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